KAYLA

Sooo we have signed the lease, and payed the security deposit. Meghan, Sharon, Tyler, and I officially have an apartment!!! :) I am so excited.

School is almost over, yet another school year has flown by. It's kind of crazy to me how fast time is moving lately. What they tell you when you're growing up is true. Enjoy the time you have now, when you reach a certain age it seems to just fly by. Since it is indeed moving so fast, I can't help but feel that i'm missing out on something constantly. I just cannot wait to move into this apartment, yay for being an adult. :)

So I lost my job mid february, and if I actually updated this thing ever, you'd know that. But yeah so i was without a job for about a month. I ended up getting a job the same day that I signed the lease for my apartment! sweet right?! Meghan, Sharon, and I are not only living together, but working together. We're gonna kill each other haha. Lets hope not.

I have found the person that I could honestly see myself marrying. All I have to do, is make him see it too....

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Owl City - The Technicolor Phase

dear hallmark,

fuck you.

not love,
kayla

sorry for the long break. haha the end of the semester was a busy one for me.
new years was decent. definitely could have been better. my phone got broken. i did however get to see trent, and kyra. and a lot of missed loves. that was a plus.

this semester is looking a lot better than last. other than work completely pissing me off, things are going well thus far. then again its only been about a month so far. i'm hoping i can raise my grades or i can kiss the chance of getting an apartment goodbye.

i am currently saving up or trying to at least, for this perfect apartment for meghan, sharon, and i. it is quite amazing, and perfectly located.

i really hope it all works out. that'd be a nice turn around for how this year has started out.




there are so many things about you that i absolutely adore. i wish i could just find some i didnt like...that would make this so much easier

Current Mood: indifferent
Current Music: Plain White T's - Sad Story

so this is my life right now...in a nutshell.

school is beyond stressful at this point. not only am i overwhelmed with my work load, but i'm stressing about if i'm even cut out for this. everything for these classes are so expensive, and at this rate i'm never going to be able to actually live on my own. let alone ever get the camera i want for my career.

anytime i like someone, something manages to go wrong with it. but only when i genuinely like the person and feel it could actually be something great.

case 1: he leaves and joins the army, obviously thats not gonna work.
case 2: he lives back home where i'm from, which is no longer my home. and is too far away for us to even attempt to make anything work out. because neither one of us has enough money to go back and forth.
case 3: my favorite... i get the friend line. i normally get that one when my feelings are strong.."kayla, i just see you as a friend."

seriously, for every man and woman out there...dont use that line. it fucks people up. theywill sit and wonder what they are doing wrong. why they keep getting this line from people. how they can try no to do whatever it was that caused this to happen...try to figure out if everyone this far sees me as just a friend, i wonder if i'm ever meant to be with anybody. or am i meant to always be "the friend"? etc. i'm not gonna lie, i've used the friend line when absolutely needed. but after recieving that cursed line so many times, i've thought long and hard about it, and what it can do to people. i will never use that line again...i hate it.

...i digress.

i feel like i'm losing touch with myself. or maybe its actually the opposite, i'm really not sure. i am becoming more and more apathetic towards life..and everything in it. i want to live and enjoy it, but at the same time just dont give a damn anymore. i dont know what's wrong with me. i dont know if i just havent found my purpose yet, or if i'm just depressed or becoming depressed. i'm tired all the time, i have no motivation to do anything. granted i enjoy spending time with my friends, but after a while i just kind of want to leave and be alone. i really hate it. i think too much and it doesnt help anything. i'm constantly trying to figure out how i can be surrounded by my friends and other people and still feel alone and empty. it honestly scares me. and it scares me how well i can hide it. i havent felt this useless and helpless since high school. and i dont know what to do anymore. i just hope i'll pull myself out of this and it gets better.

i've realized that there is a reason i dont update my livejournal, or my blog. it's because no one reads them...granted they're mostly for my to just vent, get mixed up shit in my head onto something else in words to try and make more sense of thoughts. but its never anything interesting, so i never do it. but i felt the need to write this one, i'm not entirely sure why. i'm sure no one will read it like usual. but i suppose that'll be okay for this one. cause i'm sure it sounds horribly depressed and people are gonna worry, or act like they worry..and i dont wanna deal with it. i'll be fine i'm sure, i just need time to figure out my life. organize it into something less pathetic than what it has become. something that is actually a life that i'm living and not just existing. i'm sick of existing, i want to live...i'm ready to live.

"to live is the rarest thing in the world. most people exist, that is all"
-Oscar Wilde

Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: city & colour - day old hate

it's amazing how life can be.
last year i had so much free time, that i was almost bored all the time.
now this semester, i rarely have enough freetime to relax or get anything done.
but i kind of like it. i like feeling busy. at least i feel like i'm accomplishing something.

so trent left for the army at the beginning of september. it hit me harder than i expected. i miss the kid sooooo much. words cannot describe. we've written to each other quite a bit. but i've been so busy, i can hardly find the time to reply to his letters. i hate it. i'm trying to keep in touch as best i can. i've made some awesome new friends here since i've moved back to charlotte. none of which i get to hang out with too much, because of course...i'm busy all the time. but when i get the time i try my best to see people.

the love life is none existent at the moment.
dont have time, or the desire for a relationship right now.
well i always have the desire for one. but eh whatever
there are some great guys i've met, that i'd be somewhat interested in getting to know.
and see where that leads. but i'm not holding my breath.

uhhhhhhh life is good for the most part.
cant really complain. i've learned to appreciate life a lot more, after seeing some people i know not appreciate it. and seeing how miserable they are. i cant stand it. people are so lucky to have what they have in life. and dont even appreciate it. they need to learn to.

i dont know what else to say. because i'm lame. so good night. <3

Current Mood: content

wow it's been a while.
i dont know why i'm so horrible with updating this thing.
probably because my life is so incredibly boring i feel no need to tell others about it.
my laptop broke shortly after my last entry.
so i have been without a laptop of my own since then.

so that probably has a lot to do with the lack of updating.
but oh well, you havent missed much.

me and trent tried the whole dating thing. for almost 4 months, and it didnt really work out like we planned. we are still amazing friends. and thats better than anything anyways :)
i miss him and everyone back in charlotte so much.
being home for the summer did not work out like i planned.
i didnt get the job i was hoping for, i'm not making the money i wanted to be making. everything is just kind of going to shit it seems. but hey thats life right?

i think i'm just meant to be broke all the time, i'm never going to be able to get the camera i want, therefore i will never be able to become the photographer i want to become. *sigh* why cant things just be simple. everything has to be complicated..and not just money issues...although thats usually what complicates any situation.

distance is an issue because of money.
college and my future is an issue because of money.
EVERYTHING that gets complicated in life is because of money.
i hate it.
this world truly does blow.
they make it to where you cant even enjoy life for what it is, because you cant afford to enjoy it. its fucking stupid.

this world is going to shit.

Current Mood: confused

so its amazing how my second semester is college is almost over. it doesnt feel like i've been here this long. but at the same time, i call it home. so i guess it kind of does feel that long? i dont know.

well my friend michael came into town last week. and just left this morning. although it was a little weird at first, i kinda got used to him being around. i'm gonna miss him. and i'm glad he came over here to see what the east coast was like. we enjoyed him.

i have been beyond stressed out lately. and because i've been stressed out its taking a toll on my body. i'm getting more of those stomach aches that i used to get, and i hate it. i really need to go to the doctor and find out what the hell is wrong with me, so i can fix it (if it can indeed be fixed). cause i'm getting sick of the stomach aches and shit i'm always getting. and i bet its ulcer. just because thats like one of the worst things it could be. blah theres just so much shit i have to do for school all at once. next semester is gonna whoop my ass. theres gonna be no way i can get a job other than on the weekends probably. although i did find out meghan did get accepted (like i knew she would) we wont be getting an apartment like we hoped for. because my mother doesnt believe i'm mature enough. at right now i wouldnt say i'm not mature enough. but the way things are looking i might not be able to handle school shit, work, and the apartment shit. which blows cause i was really looking forward to that. but what are you gonna do. i always have next year.


you've come back into my life. and things are different now. i'm still trying to figure out if it could work or not. i'm not going to lie. i'm scared...

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Disturbed - Liberate

so its been a while, yet again.
i've just been living life day by day at this point.
trying to make things much more than just routine.
but sometimes its difficult.

this semester really has been incredible so far.
i'm doing so much better in my classes than last semester :D
i have really made some of the best friends since i've moved here.
not that i will EVER, EVER forget my friends back home.
they've been there for me through it all.
but having some new additions to that list, is always a nice thing.

spring break is approaching, and even though i'm not gonna be the typical college kid who is out at the beach the whole time. i'm still going to enjoy it, because i could definitely use the break. and i need to start searching for a summer job while i'm home.

i cannot wait for meghan to get her acceptance letter back from UNCC.
just so we can really start this whole looking for an apartment deal.
next year is going to kick ass. :) i can see it now.

Michael comes down to visit in a couple of weeks. i'm very excited.
i just hope he's not too bored while i'm in class and shit.
but meghan will be here, so i think it'll be just fine :)
its her spring break. so we both spend each others spring break..with the other.
should be swell :D haha

well i am off to go eat, then probably do some french homework. bleh.

<3

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Morah - Back Off Man I'm A Scientist.

man, its been awhile since i've updated this thing :P
sorry i have been trying to keep up with it.
but i find myself busy with other things.
so far this semester is looking a hell of a lot better than last.
i took my first test in abnormal psych. yesterday.
i think i did pretty well.
took my first math test today, got it back and got a B
i might still do some of the extra credit just because.
your grade can never be too good :P ya know.

well i got my lip pierced this past friday.
and sharon got the rest of her tattoo finished.
it looks great. and unlike sharon, i'm having to get used to mine. haha
but i'm slowly getting there.

i'm just waiting and anticipating for this weekend to come.
should be a good one, although quite interesting haha
we'll see how it goes. :D
regardless i am still looking forward to it.

i wish i had more to update you on.
but honestly i dont really.
not too much going on in my life.
there's this boy.
but its beyond hopeless.
6000 miles is a bit far.
haha besides him.
theres a boy here that i found out likes me.
i dont really know what to do about that one.
he's from cali. but ya know goes to school here.
and i honestly didnt know he liked me.
*shrug* eh whatever. we'll see what happens with what.

ughhh poop on papers.
i dont wanna write ittttt<3

Current Location: dorm room.
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: The Almost - Dirty And Left Out

well so far this year is looking a hell of a lot better than last.
me and meghan drove to greensboro and met up with matthew yesterday for lunch.
chilled and actually had a pretty good time.
then headed out to charlotte when trent got there to pick us up.

i really missed those boys.
trent, tony, danny, will.
we had a blast.
went over to schaffer's party @ his house.
had a blast. free keg beer.
and i drank too much. along with meghan. haha
luckily i held it all in.
but we were all pretty smashed.
i had 4 new years kisses.
but not the one i really wanted of course. haha
but the ones i got were still great :)
meghan, trent, will, danny --in that order.

but other than like one downer
the night was great.
i just really hope that this year is better.
i NEED this year to be better.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Zoolander

its weird. christmas is over.
it didnt feel like christmas.
i do not know why i didnt have any christmas spirit.
oh well, its over and its done with.

its crazy that new years is so close.
2008, wow. i've been graduated for almost a year.
and i've already been through an entire semester in college.
time moves far too fast.
like there's not enough time to get anything done.
i dunno i should just stop thinking about it.
let it be i guess. haha

so for new years i had this plan to go to charlotte.
and it seems my mother is having difficulty saying yes to that.
makes no sense to me. but at the same time it does.
i dunno i just wish she would just let me go.
i want to have a good new years.
and i want to have a good year.
i'm really hoping this one is different from the lasts...

..we'll see.

Current Mood: lethargic

i know i always write about how i'm going to forget about you.
and how i'm so completely done. and then i never go through with it.
but after what happened the other day, then the "conversation" last night.
i really am fucking through with you.
i know you're probably just going to think this is out of anger and i dont really mean it.
but you asked me yourself to leave you alone.
so i am. for good.
i want nothing more to do with you.
you do shit, and you cop out of your explanations.
lksdjaflkjfkldsajfka

i'm finished dealing with this childish relationship.
grow the fuck up.
you're a little old for cop outs dont you think?!

Current Mood: irritated
Current Music: Death Cab For Cutie - Crooked Teeth

everytime i come home, you're on my mind.
everytime i come home i want to see you.
i mean you're not the only person i want to see, but definitely an important one.
when i'm in charlotte, i hardly think of you.
it's like all my thoughts of you just clear.
i have shit to keep me busy.
but when i'm home, i have nothing to do, so there's you.
always lingering there to fuck with me.
i dunno i suppose i bring it on myself.
i always complain about how when you talk to me it fucks with me.
but at the same time, i dont wanna quit talking to you.
*sigh* i dont know what to do anymore.
why does everything have to be so complicated?
why can't everything just be simple and work out like it's supposed to.
but then again, i don't know how this is all "supposed" to work out.

bleh

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: 40 days and 40 nights

well today is the final day
my last two finals are today, and words cannot describe how ready i am to be done with this.
i'm so through with this first semester in college.
it sucked (class wise)
next semester shall be much much better i think. :D
at least i'm hoping it will be.

i leave for home tomorrow.
and friday will probably be spent chillin with meghan and erin.
possibly sharon, unless she's chillin with logan or something? i dunno.
then the show friday night! yayyy

The Mile After
Ryan Taylor Bliss
The International Drive
Inside the Flame

should be good. (:

well although i'm excited about going home
its weird cause its christmas time, and it feels nothing like it.
despite the fact that it's warm as hell outside.
it just doesnt feel like christmas. i'm not all excited like i used to get.
it sucks, it used to be my favorite time of year, now its just another day *shrug*

i went to a hospital for the first time since my aunt died last night.
for trenton, he has to get some shit taken care of and i went as a friend.
with sharon and tony. it was interesting.
waiting in the ER for like 3 hours for a 10 minute procedure.
LAME. haha but i survived.

well i better get back to finishing up some studying before my exam.
<3

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Forever the Sickest Kids - Breakdown

last day of classes.
but still more finals to come.
i'm getting trashed tonight.



it shall be fabulous.
<3

Current Music: her space holiday - my girlfriends boyfriend

bleh my last day of visual arts was this morning. THANK GOD
i will not miss getting up at 7:10 in the morning to go to that pointless ass class.
i have a bunch of papers i have to write and get together soon.
and i have a test wednesday in psych. then next week is all my fucking finals.
bleh. should be fun. haha i hope i can just do well on them.
i think i should be alright. *crosses fingers*

so this weekend i'm going to ECU to visit my dear Spanky.
it's his birthday party, should be fun :)
i'm going to get to see a bunch of people there that i havent seen since i left.
so i'm looking forward to it.
but at the same time, i'm gonna miss trent, and tony's hockey game here.
and i KNOW that since i'm not there, they're gonna do well. and i'm gonna be pissed. haha
oh well. one day i'll actually make it to a good game. haha
regardless i have fun at their games. so i guess it doesnt really matter.

i'm kind of looking forward to going home for break now.
i dunno what changed exactly. but seeing everyone should be fun.
and i'll probably make a trip to greensboro with my dear meghan, and possibly erin.
so that should be fun. cause well seeing jeremy, and all his boys is always a blast.
and i know tony is gonna be here for a good part of the break, so i dunno if i'll come out here and see him, cause charlotte is a bit of a drive. hm we'll see.
i'm gonna try to go to fayettville to stay with trent and tony for new years.
i dunno how that'd gonna work out, but i'd really like to, its not too far. *shrug*
we'll see.

i should probably get to working on some of this shit thats due.
LKSJKLDFJSALDJSLAJD

Current Mood: energetic
Current Music: Mae - Ready & Waiting to Fall

it completely blows my mind that my first semester in college is almost over.
not like i wanted it to go on forever or anything, its just so fast.
time is so ridiculous, it completely perplexes me. i hate it.
i hate time, and how fast it moves, and how you have no control over it.
you just....go with it. without even realizing it. i dont know. i'm weird.

anywho. i have a buttload of things i have to get done soon.
and i want to pull my hair out. because i'm freaking out.
i've always been the person who never really stressed out. but dear god.
college is completely different, it's almost impossible to NOT stress.
i swear the teachers get together and decide good days to have things due, all at the same time.
they're fucking evil. haha
oh well, its all a part of the experience, losing your mind. (:

it's weird to think that christmas is soon.
i'm not excited, nor does it feel like its this close.
i'm going to be home for nearly a month. dear GOD thats so long.
i hope my brother plans on coming home at some point.
i would think he would. but then again who knows. *shrug*

i want breakfast.

Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: Emery - The Ponytail Parades

Happy Turkey Day :D

well i'm home. bored. and stuffed. thanksgiving wasnt too bad i suppose. i ate and watched the packers whoops some lion ass. twas nice. seeing family wasnt as horrible as i thought it was going to be.

being home is so weird to me now. cause to think of it like, hey i'm only visiting. it doesnt feel like home anymore. charlotte feels like home. and everyone there is just so great. (: i love it. i just really hate college. its completely ridiculous. haha but sadly i need it. bleh









i love tim burton :)

Current Music: Nightmare Before Christmas

this past weekend was exactly what i needed.
i had a blast. although the hockey game didnt go as the boys hoped, it was still fun.

it seems me and nick have patched things up, which is very very nice.
i was really hating that situation and the way we both were handling shit.
i'm glad we talked it out and we're cool now. cause i really care about that kid as a close friend.
so i'm going home this weekend. :)
i'm looking forward to seeing people.
nicholas, sharon, and myself are all riding the train home.
it should be an interesting weekend.
i'm excited about nick getting to meet some of our friends, considering we meet his all the time.

i'm coming back to campus sunday night and got class monday and tuesday.
i believe brittany is driving us back probably tuesday morning. and i'll miss my literature class. i'm just gonna talk to the professor and clear that up with him and have him let me know what i'm going to miss. it shouldnt be a problem because i'm doing well in that class.
i got my test back from psychology and art. psych wasnt too hot. i swear no one makes a good grade in that class. its ridiculous. but in my art class i made a C which i was very proud of. considering how horrific i did on the last test. i'm really studying my ass off for this stuff. i wish i knew what i was doing wrong. perhaps i just still need to adjust.

but yeah for this past weekend i have these fabulous boys to thank.
for they are amazing. :)

Current Mood: dorky
Current Music: Anberlin - Ready Fuels

this week has been insanely hectic.
i'm just so glad its over.
i had 3 tests. Art, Psychology, and Sociology
overall i think i definitely improved with them all.
because i studied my ass off this week.
so much, to where i hardly had time for anything else.
i have a few things i need to get done this weekend for classes.
but other than that, its time for me to relax. and i'm so fucking happy.

i'm going to tony and trent's hockey game tonight, so i'm pretty excited about that.
should be fun, afterwards we're going back to tony's apartment. which is always amazing.
tonight is definitely what i've been looking forward to all week.

i went to this art museum with sharon and my brother, for a project i have.
i had to pick a piece of art to write a 500 word paper on, due tuesday.
shouldnt be too difficult. there are some very very interesting pieces of art at the museum we went to. its fucking awesome. i really enjoyed it. i think sharon did too.

i miss a lot of people back home.
i cant wait to go back home next weekend.
i mean i love it here and everything, but home is really where the heart is it seems.
this break is really what i need. seeing everyone back home and such.
i cant wait.
<3

Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: John Mayer - Vultures